Thursday, June 3, 2010

Three Hundred and Thirty...



A Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

"The creation of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is quite simple and can sometimes be fun. George would you hand me the bread?"

George reached into the cupboard and pulled out a bag of Wonder Bread. He tossed it to me and I caught it.

"Thank you George. Now, we'll open the bag and pull out two slices of bread and lay them face down on the counter." I placed the pieces of bread gently on the counter.

"Now, George, retrieve for me the peanut butter from the cupboard."

George stared at me for a moment. He looked confused.

"The cupboard, George."

George spun in a circle, stopped, grasped the cupboard, threw it open, and pulled out a jar of Smucker's Raspberry Jelly. He placed it in my hand.

"Is the peanut butter in the fridge again?"

He nodded solemnly.

"Get the peanut butter out of the fridge!"

He swung the fridge open and tossed the peanut butter to me. I caught it and set it next to the jelly. Unsealing the lid of the peanut butter, I took a knife and stuck it into the jar, the peanut butter was hard and resisted my knifing, but I managed to liberate a fair amount. I placed it on the bread and began to spread it. The hardened peanut butter clung to the bread and tore it slightly.

I looked at George, "Do you see this!? Do you see what happens when you put the peanut butter in the fridge?"

George nodded and hung his head.

The peanut butter was applied. I replaced the cap on the peanut butter and moved to open the jelly. The lid would not budge. Damn the safety seal.

"George, open this for me."

George took the jar and forcefully turned the lid. He gritted his teeth and strained, twisting with all his might, blood vessels bulged in his neck, but the jar was stubborn and would not come open. He lifted it above his head and slammed it on the counter.

"Stop! What are you doing!? Stop doing that George!"

He continued slamming the jar until it shattered into a mess of glass and jelly. He looked at me and shrugged. I shook my head, this would have to do. Taking my knife, I reached over and carefully scooped up some jelly off the counter. George pulled the fridge open and began to dig through it, pulling items out and placing them on the counter. Cheese, pickles, salami, whip cream, ham, a bottle of grape juice, syrup, everything it seemed.

"The sandwich is complete George, there are no more ingredients," I reminded him, concentrating on balancing the jelly on my knife. I reached the bread without any spillage and plopped the chunky red substance onto the peanut butter which sat atop the bread.

"There! Now we-

George eased a thin slice of ham atop the sandwich.

"George! Stop it! That's not right!"

George had a pickle in his hand now and he set this on top of the ham. My jaw dropped. Before I could think to push him away, George had spread Nutella over everything. I wanted to stop this but I felt helpless, everything seemed to move in slow motion as I watched my creation be destroyed before my very eyes.

"Stop it! Stop! This is not correct!"

George spread half a bottle of horse radish on the sandwich, then he added three slices of cheese.

"No! What are you doing!? This is not correct! Put away the mustard! Where did you get the roast beef George! I am so upset with you right now George! Grape juice!? A fish! I did not know...now, why would you put that-"

George ignored me.

"Oh for fuck sakes! Everything is wrong!"

He now held the Cool Whip. He turned it over and dumped the entirety of it on top of the sandwich, burying it under a mountain of frothy cream. He grabbed the bottle of ketchup and squirted out a generous dose of the red liquid.

"This is not right, George! Are you listening to me George!? This is wrong! This is wrong! You're doing it wrong, George! Very wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong!"

He poured on some salsa and then scooped out some tuna fish, plopping it atop the heap of ingredients. The sandwich reached critical mass and spilled over the counter and onto the floor, a complete disaster. This was by far the worst peanut butter and jelly and horseradish and tuna fish and whip cream and cheese and pickles and grape juice and syrup and ham and salami and fish and roast beef and Nutella and ketchup sandwich ever created.

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