New Steward

When Terra came into work on Wednesday, she thought of all the things she would do that she enjoyed so much. Digging her arms up to the elbow in greasy water, picking scraps out of the food trap, mopping the floors, de-greasing the hoods, talking shit with the lead cook who was in love with her, talking to Virginia who would probably give her some cookies, and saying hi to her boss and finding out if she liked the album she recommended. Work for her was a just a non stop stream of good shit, except on days when she felt like shit, but that was not her job's fault but her shit brain's fault because it was full of stupid shit.

There truly was not any part of work she did not look forward to. Sometimes she would show up half an hour early in case there was extra cleaning to be done, and also because she would sometimes lose her mind sitting at home for too long and start tearing apart her drapes.

However, on this day, things were different. She could sense it when she came in. And her senses proved correct, immediately, when she learned they had hired a new steward who would help them take care of the work she could already handle alone.

Her boss introduced her as Antonia, and from the first moment things got off to a bad start when she went to shake her hand.

“EW! GROSS! HANDS! HANDS! HANDS!!!”

Her boss smiled, and said, “This is Antonia. She is mortally afraid of germs and is convinced everyone has the plague. I think she'll do well here.”

“Hi,” said Terra.

“I won't do it!” said Antonia.

“What?”

“What?!”

Terra's boss smiled.

The dish machine exploded.

They got a new one.

“I've been washing dishes since I was a baby,” said Antonia, repeatedly opening and closing the dish machine. “Literally. I know how to clean dishes the best! Don't ever tell me what to do!”

“It's nice to meet you,” said Terra.

“Stop bossing me around! Leave me alone!”

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I apologize,” said Terra, who spent way too much time worrying whether people liked her. Or whether Virginia had brought cookies. Or whether the lead cook really was in love with her or simply trying to get the cookies Virginia gave her.

“I'm going to wash the floor!” said Antonia. “It's filthy! Who cleans this place!”

“No, don't...” said Terra.

Antonia then dumped pure undiluted sanitizer straight into two buckets and got to work sanitizing the floor. Terra had never seen anything so red. “There!” said Antonia. “Now we can eat off the FLOOR!”

“I don't think you should have done that...” said Terra, kindly as she could, becoming more aware of the insult she could cause simply by making a recommendation to Antonia.

“500 years! 500 years I've been a steward! And I'll be a steward for 500 more! So let me do my job! I'm going to drink this now! I need to sanitize my stomach!”

“No, please. Stop.”

There was no use, Antonia then finished off the rest of the sanitizer, effectively cleaning out her stomach of the poisons we all live with.

“Gah, I feel sick!”

Later on Antonia surprised her with a Pepsi she got from the bar.

“Here! We're friends now! I gave you a soda.”

“Oh, thanks,” said Terra. “Hey could you...”

“Leave me alone! Let me work!” Then, pausing, Antonia said, “You don't like this job very much do you?”

Touched, slightly, and also confused, Terra replied, “Well...”

“I won't do it!”

“What?”

Just then Terra's actual boss came by to talk to her about the album she had recommended. Terra was very eager to hear what she had to say. She had waited months for her thoughts. Smiling, her boss said, “The album was horseshit. You're being demoted to steward.”

“But... I am a steward,” said Terra, who thought she might cry, because she liked being a steward.

“SUB steward then. Antonia is now your boss. Which means you have to drink this sanitizer.”

“Yeah! Drink it!” said Antonia, handing her the sanitizer bucket. “You're full of germs.”

The day was not going well. Terra's stomach hurt from all the sanitizer she was drinking. Later the lead cook came by to confirm he was only being nice to get Virginia's cookies and not actually in love with her. Terra was crushed. Slightly. Because she recalled then she was actually married, and did not need anyone to be in love with her. Terra forgot a lot of things, but never to polish the freezer door in the kitchen, because her boss had said she liked to see it polished in the morning and that if she ever saw it dirty she'd break Terra's knees.

Terra threw up sanitizer.

Antonia's head darted around, worried someone would request she do something.

The lead cook cooked and dreamed of Terra's cookies.

Eventually the restaurant ran out of food and so they had to close up for the night. The old people who liked to eat there tried to riot, but they were easily handled by tossing week old quiche into the lobby. Terra looked forward to focusing on the dishes and nothing else. Losing herself in the dishes always made her feel better. She often imagined how nice it'd be to fully submerge herself in dishwater, where no one could get at her, because no one wants to touch the stuff, especially when it's all brown and greasy with floating bits of corn like watered down diarrhea.

Terra caught a glimpse of Antonia running by trying to finish the upstairs in less than two and a half hours, which she had said earlier was her goal, because the other steward had demanded she do it in less than 45 minutes. The other steward was currently residing in an asylum for matters very much related to work.

Antonia had already taken the stairs eleven times in the last twenty minutes, mostly to bring down glasses one by one.

Terra, tempting fate, softly said, “You know, it's better you just bring it all down at once...”

“Leave me alone!”

“What?”

“What!?”

“I don't need your help! I can do this job!”

“Okay,” said Terra. “I'm sorry I upset you. I'll try to be more likable.”

“You should be! I've never worked with someone so unlikable!”

Terra sighed.

A server named Tree came by and said she refused to tip out Antonia ever again.

Terra asked if she was serious, because Tree often made jokes.

She was. “Never again,” she said once more.

“Oh my god! Another plate!” cried Antonia, grabbing it from the dish rack and running it upstairs.

Terra thought to tell her that there were still many more plates, and to wait a minute and bring it all up on a single cart, but she instead started to laugh hysterically. She laughed a long time, and she could not stop laughing. Eventually the police came because she couldn't stop laughing and the building security felt she was a risk to the building's security.

Terra, after a brief evaluation of her sanity, was put into an asylum with the other steward, the one that liked to give directions as much as she liked to follow them, and from that day forward they worked together cleaning dishes and mopping floors, happy as two deranged peas in a pod, glad to never have to work with Antonia ever again.