Four Hundred and Thirty Five...

Excerpt

Coach indignantly ripped the mike out of Powers hand and, turning to his audience, said, "If you want to go to a basketball game then go to a basketball game, if you want to stay home and eat potato chips, then do that. Actually don't do that. I've noticed a lot of students in this school have become quite fat lately and I think it's important we take a moment to appreciate sports not for the chanting and popularity but for the fact it keeps you from turning into a lard ass. You know, I really have to wonder sometimes what your parents feed you. God damn, eat a vegetable. Now-"

Powers was grasping at the mike but Coach planted a hand on his face and pushed him away.

"What are you doing Powers? Stop it I'm giving my speech, you'll have your turn. As I was saying...dammit, lost my train of thought... Fuck it, now, I want to talk about video games. I hear about these video games all the damn time and I'm getting sick of it. Humans were not meant to sit in front of a screen vegetating away controlling fake characters racking up fake points, we're humans, we're animals – if Darwin is to be believed – and I think it's time we start living like animals, not as vegetables. Eat vegetables, don't live-"

"Ah, thanks for that rousing spee-"

Coach snatched the mike back and said, "I'm not done. As I was saying, don't live as a vegetable, you won't be young forever and someday you'll look up from your high score and be old, bloated, and ugly and you'll wonder, you'll wonder to yourself where the time went and you'll wish you knew what living in the real world was like." Coach scratched his head for a moment, thinking of what other things he needed to say. "Now I've also noticed that kids are spending far too much time in the hallway during lunch time, you kids need to get outside and run around and stop blocking my hall way. Go get some exercise it burns fat. I tripped over a girl the other day as many of you know. I kicked her in the head, knocking her out for several minutes. Now I didn't mean to but I did and I think it would help if you kids went outside at lunch instead of taking naps in the middle of the floor. I'm just saying. Well, what else? Our basketball team sucks and we'll probably lose but we play hard and love the game. If you want to watch kids who have fun doing what they love, come and watch my basketball team, if you want to root for a team because they're winning – fair weather fans as their known – then go to the football games, I don't really care either way, I'm drunk."

Coach tossed the mike to Powers and walked off the court, marched up the stands, and squeezed half his butt back onto his small portion of bench.