Hail Satan!

Satan a Favorite to Win Presidency

AP News
Billings, Montana

Satan, the current ruler of Hell, is a favorite to win the presidency of the United States of America. Polls have shown, that if the election were to take place today, an astounding 62% of America would vote for him. When asked about these impressive numbers, David Halberstam, a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist and political historian said, "What the hell is wrong with these people!? It's f--king Satan!"

Shirley Barret disagreed however when asked about her choice of Satan as president. "Satan is the kind of guy you'd want to get a beer with, he speaks the way your average American speaks, he supports family values, and I like his views on gay marriage." She paused a moment, then added, "I really like that he doesn't like gay marriage."

Satan has been running on a platform of saving this country from left wing elitist snobs, right wing radicals, and people who know more than you do. He believes that he can save America by "bringing this country back to the way it was before big government began to control your health care, out of control spending, blah blah blah, and something about family values."

George Brickowsen, a local plumber, had this to say about Satan's poll numbers, "It's no surprise to me really. Satan knows what the people want and he's going to give it to us. He has promised to fix the deficit, abolish taxes, kill all terrorists, save the sanctity of marriage, fix spending, and stop illegal immigration, and I look at him and see how big he is, and that really makes me think he's the one to do it. He's a big dude."

Satan has no political experience, though he promises he has learned more than enough while ruling Hell. Many critics are concerned about his complete lack of schooling, having never even enrolled in kindergarten. He has not yet chosen a running mate, but all sources point to Sarah Palin.