On Resolutions.

Excerpt - Kings of Nothing:

The light went green and Eric pressed the gas too hard, sending us lurching forward while pushing my heart into my stomach.

"See, that's why I have to write my books, so that people will look at me and say, 'See that guy? He knows what he's talking about...sort of.' Then they would make a point of coming over and having Scotch with me, because they believed that talking to me would be worth their time. But, right now, instead they say, 'See that guy? He's a weirdo who writes bad books and has nothing to say.' Of course, this is the problem you see, it all depends on whether you actually make money in what you do, otherwise no one will take you seriously, and this is especially true with books."

Perfect 10. I will marry you yesterday.

One of my theme songs:






She wuz hawt and all the gurls were jelus of her cuz she had so many teeth.



I know all you gamers (PC GAMERS) have been searching hard for that super awesome exciting SUPER SECRET MISSION in the latest hot shit awesome game from Blizzard where you do that god damn zerging thing all the kids in Chemistry class are talkin' about! Well, if you still have not found that secret mission, then look no further because IGN has the super scoop for that super secret shit. Just check out this video and watch it and you'll find that fucking stupid bull shit mission and be the coolest kid on your block! Don't forget to subscribe to IGN to keep up to date on all the hottest war simulators, plus the BIGGEST SEQUELS you just have to get your grubby mitts on dawg! Not to mention all those super secret levels that will make you COOL in SCHOOL.

West Side Wizard

CR: 500

Epic Extended Empowered Time Stop

Person Man

He was a man, like any other man was.

CR: 30

No one is invalidated, but nobody is right.



Edited for stupid jerk face Anonymous guy who always has something to say.

+5 Umbrella

"Kikkerland"

Long forgotten in the backrooms of Beach's restaurant, this umbrella has been at long last united with the one destined to wield it.

Base Damage: 1D10
Base Critical Threat: x2
Damage Type: Piercing
Umbrella Size: Medium
Feats Required: Umbrella
Base Item: Umbrella
Weight: 2.0

Special Properties
Enhancement Bonus: +5
Cast Endure Elements unlimited times a day
Cast True Seeing three times a day
Water Elementals must make a save vs DC 48 or take 8d12 of damage
Only usable by Chaotic Neutral

On Democracy.

I wish I was a billionaire so I could go public and tell all those rich people to shut the fuck up and stop whining about taxes. I'd be a hero.

Mine is the fist of JUSTICE.

What are the odds.



Double asteroids all the- SHUT THE FUCK UP!



You want justice do you!? Eat your vegetables and I'll give you forty two pounds of justice!

Smug

(Not my design.)



"Hey George! You know what would be awesome for the show?"

"What Tim?"

"What if I screamed really loud and obnoxiously in a sudden horrendous screeching wail after every single one of our shitty one minute songs!?!"




I drew this twice. No joke. I accidentally saved over a much better version, minus the aggressive speech bubbles. No one actually yelled these things.